Tuesday, 24 November 2009

I am feeling swept over by a girl
probably half my age, not much more
a good energy; beautiful, likeable, strong
and so far, completely uninterested in me!
I approached her, …… is her name, she is R.....,
which I have to admit I rarely get along with,
I just don’t seem to trust them at all,
but this is not the point today.
Today, I question my motives.
It’s all too desperate to be true.
Been around this game with myself before;
How I like to kid myself ‘she may be the one’.
How we like to play with that mirage of the self.
Project out of us, and she reflects back from the world
a perfection.
That no girl could hope to live up to.
But, how long have I waited for the one,
that could move me closest to the ultimate essence?
How long have I waited for the one
who I could trust to overwhelm me with beauty, inside and out?
Who I would know to be true, and trust not to one day steal away with
the gemstone of my soul.

Today, I don’t mind.
I revel in it, because,
I know I won’t get to bask in light such as hers for much longer.
It’s just an echo of a past I once might have owned.
Charged down, masculine and powerful, into the fray to win her heart.
Oh, to win her heart and not be
just an echo, of who I once was.
Having instead to accept who I am, and who I am not.
Who I can, and who I cannot ever be.
Letting go of that hunger and longing.
Letting go of what now, I see, was only ever going to be
a need, an imbalance, a vacuum, an emptiness I longed for to fill.

I watch now the projection, as it shines from her skin:
The shape of her hips, the curve of her breasts, the gentle arch of her back.
Her hair long and golden, her scent alluring, dreamy, sexual and sensual.
Her movements, everything I ever wanted her to be.
Yes, she bears it well, my goddess, my princess, my love.
The urge to be in love.
I had forgotten.
It has been such a long, long time.

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