I am changing
big things coming, moving, shifting
and thank fucking christ it is about time
the scorpion, the snake,
willing to drop it's guard for a moment.
am I?
am I willing?
have I a choice?
Will my enemies come for me now? of course they will. It will be their call. All I can do is let go.
I bought a book called Intimacy by Osho, the bigger man is willing to face the fear that is Love, surely. I figured I need to learn something here.
other than the involuntary outburst of laughter that brought the 'guru' section of Borders bookstore to a momentary stand still when I read the line -
'intimacy means exposing yourself before strangers'
I found the message I was needing right after that in its pages.
I can't get past the first chaper at the moment, I just keep going over it. finding something new release inside me from the words. I want to share a few
...intimacy brings you close to a stranger. you have to drop all your defenses; only then is intimacy possible. and the fear is that if you drop all your defenses, all your masks, who knows what the stranger will do with you?....
...everybody wants intimacy because otherwise you are alone in this universe...you want to be intimate with the other person... you want them to drop their defenses....but you are not dropping your defenses.....
....you have to accept yourself in totality....You have been condemned by everyobdy you have learned one thing: self-condemnation. You go on hiding it, it is not something beautiful to show others. You know ugly things are hidden in you, you know evil things are hidden in you, you know animal is hidden in you.
....If you are simple, loving, open, intimate, you create a paradise around you. If you are closed, constantly on the defensive, always worried that someone may come to know your thoughts, your dreams, your perversions, you are living in hell.
..we are fragile beings - the most fragile in existence. this frailty is not something to be condemned-it is the highest expression of consciousness....the higher expression of anything becomes weaker....it's beauty is because of its not being strong.....everything that is beautiful is going to be very momentary....all you can say is "I am in love with you this moment, and I will give my totality to you. about the next moment I know nothing."
nodoby knows anything about the future...the only thing that is in your hands is your life....by opening yourself to many people you become richer. And if you can live in deep love, in deep friendship, in deep intimacy with many people, you have lived rightly....
without intimacy you are surrounded by strangers, with intimacy you are surrounded by friends, by people who love you.
everybody is afraid of intimacy
Saturday 28 February 2009
Thursday 26 February 2009
I was walking back from the toilet, in a rush, I had to get back in the room and pick a valentine. I was afraid if I left it too late I would get someone…well…less than savoury and too close to my own age.
There she was. Walking towards the door as I got back. I saw the name tag stuck to her arm and her profile was pretty. She was in red. In fact she was damn hot.
‘Excuse me,’ I said with the best charming glint in the eye I could muster.
‘Would you be my valentine?’ Words we had been told to use in wooing the fairer sex. I felt silly but what the hell.
She looked at me. Into my eyes deeper than I had expected. It caught me out actually. I felt a little foolish in the silence that hung there. She knew I was a player, a charmer and in that silence, I knew she knew.
‘Er….no’ she said quite simply no apology, no excuses. Just turned her head, not rude or dismissive, but just clearly made up her mind. She walked into the room.
I was smitten, the bitch!
But I must have done something right because later when I was chatting with other people after the night ended she seemed to warm to me. I made a joke out of her directness. I admired it. No bullshit, you had to respect that.
‘Why did you say no?’ I asked her, not out of any overblown belief that I am anything special but just because I wanted to know just what women of substance did see in my act. I knew it was an act, I thought they did too.
‘You weren’t placed in yourself’ she said. And I understood I was dealing with someone of quality then. I wanted to hug her. It being Tantric night you could do these things. So I asked if I could and she said yes. It was warmth. There was something in there I felt could ignite. I hadn’t expected that. I thought she was hot, tough, but I didn’t think she had soul. I was wrong.
We got together a few days later and some kind of crazy whirlwind took off around me. It was wilder than I was expecting or had ever dreamed she would be like, and yet…yet now I realise I had been wishing for this lately. I had. And now here it was coming to me like a gift from the universe. She was tantric, she did it for a living. She brought people up out of themselves sexually, spiritually, for 600 dollars an hour. I was getting it for free.
It was different. Subtly so. The sex was not like sex, no humping like a crazy animal as fast and furious as you could make it, riding on the frenzy, and nor was it slow and deep like some Barry White record. This was motionless, breathing, waiting, in stillness, sinking into yourself, being there and then the breathe took off and waves, pulses of ecstacy shot through the body up the backbone. You didn’t need to come it was somehow complete in itself. I have to admit, I felt out of my depth. This woman was not interested in being ridden like an untameble pony into submission. My normal sexual conquistador behaviour was totally neutralised. I didn’t quite know how to deal with it. I found myself trying to be a better man than I was. Trying to be deeper, more Tantric, more knowledgeable. The cracks showed. It came as a shock to me. I secretly thought I was hot in the sack. I knew nothing. Nada. Not a thing compared to this woman. She was…’present’…. is the word they use and I can see why. Her eyes watched me the whole time, beautiful, serene, self aware, no need of anything, just giving because that is what she did. She could see all of me. Knowing I was far from up to scratch. I felt like a performing monkey whose act had been seen before too many times to be of much interest. The more we went on, the more it felt like she was humouring me. Sheeeet. The worst thing a man can feel; Libido loss, self doubt. Tantra was suddenly becoming my nemesis.
OK. It wasn’t that bad. And it was great sex. I did ok in the end. She was cool. I had a good week. She thought I was hot. I thought she was on frickin fire. I learnt so much about myself it is untrue. But just when you think you have ridden out the storm and got a handle on your male egomania and start feeling like the king of the jungle…..I get a phone call….
‘Come over. I am in my flat in the city.’
Moments later I am there ready for the next heady experience of surrender, love, stillness in my naïve attempts to achieve sexual and spiritual bliss.
We talk a while. I start to feel like I am falling in love with this woman. She is something else. I know she does this for a living. Hey aren’t we all prostitutes in some way? I am trying to deal with that balance in the back of my mind. She doesn’t hide the fact.
Then she tells me about the phone conversation she has just had with this guy, a guru of sorts. I know him. We have spoken. He knows his stuff. She tells me all about how she finally started to feel him inside her. This is from a phone call. They were deep breathing I discover on questioning her in detail. Two and half hours. Her in orgasm. Touched by this magic motherfucking love god, and yes of course he was black. Sonovabitch!
And this is my question….how in gods name do you make love to a woman you are falling in love with after being told that. I tried my best but she just wasn’t there anymore.
My heart died on the spot.
I have a long way to go.
I had no idea.
M
There she was. Walking towards the door as I got back. I saw the name tag stuck to her arm and her profile was pretty. She was in red. In fact she was damn hot.
‘Excuse me,’ I said with the best charming glint in the eye I could muster.
‘Would you be my valentine?’ Words we had been told to use in wooing the fairer sex. I felt silly but what the hell.
She looked at me. Into my eyes deeper than I had expected. It caught me out actually. I felt a little foolish in the silence that hung there. She knew I was a player, a charmer and in that silence, I knew she knew.
‘Er….no’ she said quite simply no apology, no excuses. Just turned her head, not rude or dismissive, but just clearly made up her mind. She walked into the room.
I was smitten, the bitch!
But I must have done something right because later when I was chatting with other people after the night ended she seemed to warm to me. I made a joke out of her directness. I admired it. No bullshit, you had to respect that.
‘Why did you say no?’ I asked her, not out of any overblown belief that I am anything special but just because I wanted to know just what women of substance did see in my act. I knew it was an act, I thought they did too.
‘You weren’t placed in yourself’ she said. And I understood I was dealing with someone of quality then. I wanted to hug her. It being Tantric night you could do these things. So I asked if I could and she said yes. It was warmth. There was something in there I felt could ignite. I hadn’t expected that. I thought she was hot, tough, but I didn’t think she had soul. I was wrong.
We got together a few days later and some kind of crazy whirlwind took off around me. It was wilder than I was expecting or had ever dreamed she would be like, and yet…yet now I realise I had been wishing for this lately. I had. And now here it was coming to me like a gift from the universe. She was tantric, she did it for a living. She brought people up out of themselves sexually, spiritually, for 600 dollars an hour. I was getting it for free.
It was different. Subtly so. The sex was not like sex, no humping like a crazy animal as fast and furious as you could make it, riding on the frenzy, and nor was it slow and deep like some Barry White record. This was motionless, breathing, waiting, in stillness, sinking into yourself, being there and then the breathe took off and waves, pulses of ecstacy shot through the body up the backbone. You didn’t need to come it was somehow complete in itself. I have to admit, I felt out of my depth. This woman was not interested in being ridden like an untameble pony into submission. My normal sexual conquistador behaviour was totally neutralised. I didn’t quite know how to deal with it. I found myself trying to be a better man than I was. Trying to be deeper, more Tantric, more knowledgeable. The cracks showed. It came as a shock to me. I secretly thought I was hot in the sack. I knew nothing. Nada. Not a thing compared to this woman. She was…’present’…. is the word they use and I can see why. Her eyes watched me the whole time, beautiful, serene, self aware, no need of anything, just giving because that is what she did. She could see all of me. Knowing I was far from up to scratch. I felt like a performing monkey whose act had been seen before too many times to be of much interest. The more we went on, the more it felt like she was humouring me. Sheeeet. The worst thing a man can feel; Libido loss, self doubt. Tantra was suddenly becoming my nemesis.
OK. It wasn’t that bad. And it was great sex. I did ok in the end. She was cool. I had a good week. She thought I was hot. I thought she was on frickin fire. I learnt so much about myself it is untrue. But just when you think you have ridden out the storm and got a handle on your male egomania and start feeling like the king of the jungle…..I get a phone call….
‘Come over. I am in my flat in the city.’
Moments later I am there ready for the next heady experience of surrender, love, stillness in my naïve attempts to achieve sexual and spiritual bliss.
We talk a while. I start to feel like I am falling in love with this woman. She is something else. I know she does this for a living. Hey aren’t we all prostitutes in some way? I am trying to deal with that balance in the back of my mind. She doesn’t hide the fact.
Then she tells me about the phone conversation she has just had with this guy, a guru of sorts. I know him. We have spoken. He knows his stuff. She tells me all about how she finally started to feel him inside her. This is from a phone call. They were deep breathing I discover on questioning her in detail. Two and half hours. Her in orgasm. Touched by this magic motherfucking love god, and yes of course he was black. Sonovabitch!
And this is my question….how in gods name do you make love to a woman you are falling in love with after being told that. I tried my best but she just wasn’t there anymore.
My heart died on the spot.
I have a long way to go.
I had no idea.
M
Saturday 21 February 2009
Sunday 15 February 2009
She held me in a hug
I felt her breathe, the rhythm of it
I relaxed and breathed out trying to find her pace.
Letting it all go, sinking into her arms.
Felt the tension in my grip around her,
unconscious struggles of the day
still locked up in my muscles, man's muscles.
Let it go, let it all go.
My head coming to rest on her neck
Sweet scent
Rose petals.
I felt us both give in a little
Man to woman, woman to man
belly’s gently touching
but it is my heart that feels warmed.
I listen for the beat
wondering if they are starting to beat in time.
This is nothing more
than the pulse of life
tuning in.
A moment ago I felt tense, caught up in
the social chaos.
One hug, one real hug
was all it took
to dawn into the age of Aquarius.
My part to play in the great cosmic order of things today,
was just to let go,
and so I did.
Valentines Day 14th February 2009
I felt her breathe, the rhythm of it
I relaxed and breathed out trying to find her pace.
Letting it all go, sinking into her arms.
Felt the tension in my grip around her,
unconscious struggles of the day
still locked up in my muscles, man's muscles.
Let it go, let it all go.
My head coming to rest on her neck
Sweet scent
Rose petals.
I felt us both give in a little
Man to woman, woman to man
belly’s gently touching
but it is my heart that feels warmed.
I listen for the beat
wondering if they are starting to beat in time.
This is nothing more
than the pulse of life
tuning in.
A moment ago I felt tense, caught up in
the social chaos.
One hug, one real hug
was all it took
to dawn into the age of Aquarius.
My part to play in the great cosmic order of things today,
was just to let go,
and so I did.
Valentines Day 14th February 2009
Thursday 12 February 2009
Rain drips down from grey skies.
Sun gone, maybe it will return someday to warm the heart.
Back to life.
Rolling in the fried haze of a sleepless night again. So many.
Throw the legs out of the bed. That small child doesn’t want to go.
You must. Berry, you must. Be a man.
It’s the law. To work. To be this rat on the wheel.
Of life.
What a life. What a dream turned so real. I can feel it on my skin this morning.
Cutting to find me. In there. Alarm blaring. Cruel into the ears.
Must I do this again. Find the strength. Oh god. If only a woman was with me now.
To comfort. The heart in the grey.
And so it begins.
Another day. Wish it was the weekend so I could fry bacon. The smell of fresh percolating coffee. The smile of it. Almost a love. These little things touch so deep.
Meaning. None here. Must find it. Not in my shoes or holed socks as I walk to the bathroom pantless just for amusement.
Maybe a hint in the picture of sunny beach scenes that hangs on my wall to cover the blotches of badly painted magnolia in a bland rented room.
Something tries to ruin every hope in a man. And we fight it.
Step out to the rain.
The waves high and merciless out there. Some fools on the ocean trying to find a thrill
7am. Death is hunting already. Do they not know this.
Cross the road without incident. First proof that I might yet make it if I keep going.
And pay attention.
Sleep and toxins loiter in the bags under my eyes.
Harsh. I feel 52. I am not.
Stand at the bus stop. Don’t get too close to people, I want them to think I look good.
Safety in distance.
What is that?
Small puppy bounding along.
Jesus! I almost forgot that once I thought it was all quite wonderful too.
Smile inside for a brief moment but it is precious and wakes me to something I'd nearly lost. Pup tramples up to my feet and stops for a moment.
Looks up. I see the eyes dilate in puppy questions.
Me just big dog. Woof.
It moves on. Sniffing. Bouncing. The owners brought to life by their surrogate child.
One day they will say things like
‘ Don’t you wish he could have stayed that way’
And they will secretly wish to trade him in for another puppy
But they wont.
Duty and guilt.
And maybe a little bit of love.
But not today. Today puppy is full of the sun that hides behind the clouds,
the one we all wish wouldn’t.
Clouds that have come to taunt us, and test us.
All these years, all these millions of mornings
We awake again to the truth we don’t quite know what to do with.
Stepping closer each day to something.
Off he goes. Happy as a lambkin. Into the distance. All quite wonderful and in place.
Thankyou puppy for making me remember
How it should be and probably is.
Sun gone, maybe it will return someday to warm the heart.
Back to life.
Rolling in the fried haze of a sleepless night again. So many.
Throw the legs out of the bed. That small child doesn’t want to go.
You must. Berry, you must. Be a man.
It’s the law. To work. To be this rat on the wheel.
Of life.
What a life. What a dream turned so real. I can feel it on my skin this morning.
Cutting to find me. In there. Alarm blaring. Cruel into the ears.
Must I do this again. Find the strength. Oh god. If only a woman was with me now.
To comfort. The heart in the grey.
And so it begins.
Another day. Wish it was the weekend so I could fry bacon. The smell of fresh percolating coffee. The smile of it. Almost a love. These little things touch so deep.
Meaning. None here. Must find it. Not in my shoes or holed socks as I walk to the bathroom pantless just for amusement.
Maybe a hint in the picture of sunny beach scenes that hangs on my wall to cover the blotches of badly painted magnolia in a bland rented room.
Something tries to ruin every hope in a man. And we fight it.
Step out to the rain.
The waves high and merciless out there. Some fools on the ocean trying to find a thrill
7am. Death is hunting already. Do they not know this.
Cross the road without incident. First proof that I might yet make it if I keep going.
And pay attention.
Sleep and toxins loiter in the bags under my eyes.
Harsh. I feel 52. I am not.
Stand at the bus stop. Don’t get too close to people, I want them to think I look good.
Safety in distance.
What is that?
Small puppy bounding along.
Jesus! I almost forgot that once I thought it was all quite wonderful too.
Smile inside for a brief moment but it is precious and wakes me to something I'd nearly lost. Pup tramples up to my feet and stops for a moment.
Looks up. I see the eyes dilate in puppy questions.
Me just big dog. Woof.
It moves on. Sniffing. Bouncing. The owners brought to life by their surrogate child.
One day they will say things like
‘ Don’t you wish he could have stayed that way’
And they will secretly wish to trade him in for another puppy
But they wont.
Duty and guilt.
And maybe a little bit of love.
But not today. Today puppy is full of the sun that hides behind the clouds,
the one we all wish wouldn’t.
Clouds that have come to taunt us, and test us.
All these years, all these millions of mornings
We awake again to the truth we don’t quite know what to do with.
Stepping closer each day to something.
Off he goes. Happy as a lambkin. Into the distance. All quite wonderful and in place.
Thankyou puppy for making me remember
How it should be and probably is.
Tuesday 10 February 2009
The 333 is halfway to the 666
I had this long thing about death I wanted to write but then it seemed so inappropriate with what is going on in Victoria at the moment.
Anyway I used to think LSD could save the world,
then I took too much of it.
and I suspect Tantra will be the same for me after I get through with a lawsuit for placing an un-asked-for hand on the breast of a stranger on the bus.
'Are you familiar with the way of the Tantric Mongoose' I said to her
'Get your fucking slimy hand off me, you creep' told me that she wasnt, and that she might now also be a difficult subject to convince.
That is the thanks we get for trying to guide the unwilling masses to the higher levels of existence.
not that it really happened
but I do think about it on the 333 each morning,
as I sit in relative silence,
cramped amongst strangers,
wondering what the hell we are all doing there.
trying to stare out the window
and not talk
too much
about anything
worth talking about
Anyway I used to think LSD could save the world,
then I took too much of it.
and I suspect Tantra will be the same for me after I get through with a lawsuit for placing an un-asked-for hand on the breast of a stranger on the bus.
'Are you familiar with the way of the Tantric Mongoose' I said to her
'Get your fucking slimy hand off me, you creep' told me that she wasnt, and that she might now also be a difficult subject to convince.
That is the thanks we get for trying to guide the unwilling masses to the higher levels of existence.
not that it really happened
but I do think about it on the 333 each morning,
as I sit in relative silence,
cramped amongst strangers,
wondering what the hell we are all doing there.
trying to stare out the window
and not talk
too much
about anything
worth talking about
Sunday 1 February 2009
I lay her down against the cool cotton sheets, her fingers clutch gently at my side. I feel her nails, and feel her longing, the invisible pull from inside her. The need.
‘Not yet’, I whisper close to her ear.
She makes a sound of feigned disapproval and curls her head into her shoulder, her eyes close, body twisting lightly in shy reflex. I can see the ripple of energy flutter through her stomach and I smile to myself. I love this moment. This is where it all begins, where ordinary people, living ordinary lives, find something more powerful than they ever knew existed, and all along it was right there at their fingertips.
I kiss her neck just gently, to re-assure. I don’t want her to arouse, I need her calm for this, at least for now.
‘What are you going to do?’ she asks expectantly.
‘Just relax’, I say ‘ breathe… deeper down…that’s it’.
The candle splutters a bit on the mantle and I feel the cooling air of the fan on my back, it feels good in this night heat. I shut my eyes and sink deeper in, looking down into myself, feeling the glow of life, feeling for where I begin. My mind quiets, something in this energy does that, like maybe sex is meditation.
My hand comes up almost by itself, following something. I don’t even really know what it is. I get flashes of it sometimes, see a woman, her hair blonde and long, blue eyes sparkling, some thought tells me it is a mermaid but I know that isn’t right. She moves, she is energy, pure, divine. I don’t know what this is, but I hold silent and still as she comes into me, flows through me, and then it begins. I feel it like heat, like love, like a beautiful truth. I welcome her and my hand moves over the naked body of this girl, not touching, just moving unseen warmth over her, through her, moving it round, letting it rise of itself. Patient. I follow.
A shudder rises up my back from within. I open my eyes, a flush is on her chest and the cheeks of her face, her breathing is getting faster, getting deeper.
‘That’s it’, I say ‘Let it go, breathe, let the sound out’
Her hips move a little, her breath in gasps. The sound finally breaks in her throat as she starts to give in. This isn’t me, this is her, her gift, her connection back to what she was a part of all along but never knew. Putting it all back into place, this is the return.
Her sighs grow louder and she starts to stretch out and move rolling in slow, powerful spasms. You can see it pulsing through her like waves. I sit back and watch, there is nothing more to do other than just be here, be witness to a girl relinquishing to the goddess, and becoming one.
And I know this is as it should be, as it once was, before they shut us all down, stole our connection, before they inflicted emotional wounds on us all in the war to take control, to turn this planet into a prison, to make us desperate, lost and insane. There were temples for this once, for men and for women. To heal them, to bring them back to themselves when they were lost, disconnected from the source of things. But they destroyed them, built over their ground and replaced them with lies, deceipt and a powerful guilt, and with that they murdered the spirit of women and men, for no other reason than to enslave them. Until what we really are, what power we have, is forgotten.
‘This is the truth,' I tell her, 'this is freedom, babe’
She opens her eyes just a little, a shimmer of sweat on her body making it glow in the dim light. I see the warmth of life in there, see that gorgeous glitter in the sheen of eyes truly alive. She knows. She knew all along.
‘How could I have forgotten this?’ she pants between breathes.
‘Sssssh’ I say and softly close her eyes again. ‘It’s just time for you to claim it back’
‘Not yet’, I whisper close to her ear.
She makes a sound of feigned disapproval and curls her head into her shoulder, her eyes close, body twisting lightly in shy reflex. I can see the ripple of energy flutter through her stomach and I smile to myself. I love this moment. This is where it all begins, where ordinary people, living ordinary lives, find something more powerful than they ever knew existed, and all along it was right there at their fingertips.
I kiss her neck just gently, to re-assure. I don’t want her to arouse, I need her calm for this, at least for now.
‘What are you going to do?’ she asks expectantly.
‘Just relax’, I say ‘ breathe… deeper down…that’s it’.
The candle splutters a bit on the mantle and I feel the cooling air of the fan on my back, it feels good in this night heat. I shut my eyes and sink deeper in, looking down into myself, feeling the glow of life, feeling for where I begin. My mind quiets, something in this energy does that, like maybe sex is meditation.
My hand comes up almost by itself, following something. I don’t even really know what it is. I get flashes of it sometimes, see a woman, her hair blonde and long, blue eyes sparkling, some thought tells me it is a mermaid but I know that isn’t right. She moves, she is energy, pure, divine. I don’t know what this is, but I hold silent and still as she comes into me, flows through me, and then it begins. I feel it like heat, like love, like a beautiful truth. I welcome her and my hand moves over the naked body of this girl, not touching, just moving unseen warmth over her, through her, moving it round, letting it rise of itself. Patient. I follow.
A shudder rises up my back from within. I open my eyes, a flush is on her chest and the cheeks of her face, her breathing is getting faster, getting deeper.
‘That’s it’, I say ‘Let it go, breathe, let the sound out’
Her hips move a little, her breath in gasps. The sound finally breaks in her throat as she starts to give in. This isn’t me, this is her, her gift, her connection back to what she was a part of all along but never knew. Putting it all back into place, this is the return.
Her sighs grow louder and she starts to stretch out and move rolling in slow, powerful spasms. You can see it pulsing through her like waves. I sit back and watch, there is nothing more to do other than just be here, be witness to a girl relinquishing to the goddess, and becoming one.
And I know this is as it should be, as it once was, before they shut us all down, stole our connection, before they inflicted emotional wounds on us all in the war to take control, to turn this planet into a prison, to make us desperate, lost and insane. There were temples for this once, for men and for women. To heal them, to bring them back to themselves when they were lost, disconnected from the source of things. But they destroyed them, built over their ground and replaced them with lies, deceipt and a powerful guilt, and with that they murdered the spirit of women and men, for no other reason than to enslave them. Until what we really are, what power we have, is forgotten.
‘This is the truth,' I tell her, 'this is freedom, babe’
She opens her eyes just a little, a shimmer of sweat on her body making it glow in the dim light. I see the warmth of life in there, see that gorgeous glitter in the sheen of eyes truly alive. She knows. She knew all along.
‘How could I have forgotten this?’ she pants between breathes.
‘Sssssh’ I say and softly close her eyes again. ‘It’s just time for you to claim it back’
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)