For some reason my LSD days have been coming up again.

Happiness is not a brown microdot while watching Pink Floyd's - The Wall.

I think when you have sat through that experience you can say you have made some kind of grade in the LSD fraternity. Probably should have those letters after my name. I am amazed I dont have a number tattooed on my wrist and a white front door with big locks on. I understand this is nothing to be proud of.

But why after so many years is this stuff coming up for me at the moment? Maybe my body is finally offloading all the highs I put myself through: 2ci, 2cb, dmt, lsd, heroin, crack, smack, ice, cocaine, glue, petrol, tippex thinners, you name it and we take it in the search for that unnameble something.

maybe just some fucking peace from the demons.

I stick to booze and cigarettes now. and have for the last year or so. Life is too fucking insane as it is to be honest. I dont need the additionals. The demons are all still there of course. I wouldnt say being straight is a great substitute. In fact most days I really dont like it one bit.

so insomnia has become my new unwanted friend.

And I am pretty sure it is related to the drug years the more I find myself waking up to it. spangled mindage. I was supposed to be dead before I got 32 like all good rock stars, and here I am 10 years on still walking about like a gormless grinning guppy.

god decided to make it a slow kill.

but I could swear the sharks are circling.

but nevermind that old chestnut, what of insomnia...

I wake at usually somewhere between 2 and 4am and my mind is off like a rabid dog salivating after some such nonsense that seems so relevant at that time of day. 2 hours later I realise I have been thinking over and over some inconsequential moment, yesterday morning it was an acid trip some 20 years ago.

bitch.

the fucking sad thing is that Hunter S Thompson really paved the way to the truth about drugs that all of us high-seekers completely ignore. That in the end, after you stop taking them and the audience stops laughing at how funny you are, you are left with a mind that is confused and a shotgun that is loaded. I mean, blowing your head off while talking to the wife on the phone is a bit off really, it says a lot. It was the inspiration for me to really try to stop so....hell....maybe he did do something good.

There is no pain you are receding
a distant ship smoke on the horizon
you are only coming through in waves
your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
when I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
the child has grown the dream has gone
I have become comfortably numb

I got up at 4am after waiting for my mind to give it a rest. twenty minutes and I couldnt get it under control. I was pissed off actually and hung out my bathroom window looking at the night and smoking. Staring at the cages on the neighbours windows and seeing how much my life is like that. Just bars up. I do everything to escape these chains. I got high to escape these chains. I will die to escape these chains. Just let me the fuck out of this pain that goes round and round without any kind of god damn answer to it.

I read all the healing books, I have done Vipassana, gone to doctors, gone to healers, shamans, lovers, friends, the wise, the insane, the truth. I meditate two or three times a day. I give up the drugs. I give up the fucking lot and am left with these 4am suicidal insanities. They fuck with me deeply.

I wont do it. I dont own a shotgun and I am far too chicken shit. I just live on the dark side of the moon and watch the sun go down each day and know the demons will return tonight, and I will see them and know them and still they will control some part of me I never even liked.

this isnt self pity. It is just the question. inspired by friends who know exactly this same fucked up story because my friends seem to know this pain too. and you probably do too. and thats what makes all this so fucking strange. here we are. wanting salvation and getting nothing but more shit for our troubles.

its the head. the god damn head. the thing I got high to escape. and now I can't even do that anymore. son of a bitch.

watch the sharks circle.
not long now
and this will be the last fists up, try to act brave, give a good final showboat fight in the chaos of all this nonsense.
punch something, a little blood
I'll feel good about that, as I go down.
smiling.
asking god if my face hurt his fist.

fuck it frankly, none of us ever had a hope, just a lie. I hate the lie.

but I guess in truth, I am still grateful for it all, how strange is that. The love especially. The love was what made it all worth it. To love. Just once or twice. Thankyou for that if nothing else.

I am nose up to The Wall again.
banging.
but there is nothing here.
nothing at all.
there never was.
just emptiness in space.

I put the cigarette out, go back to bed alone.

I look at the clock - 5.35am.
put a t-shirt over my head and wonder what comes next.

I will stay here.
I will get up tomorrow and go through it all again.
I will try to get through
to better myself as a person
and all that crap,
to rise up,
to surface from this ocean of dark death,
darker past,
and the deep emotional disturbances
I hide from in the day.

Killing Joke - Love Like Blood

We must play our lives like soldiers in the field
But life is short i'm running faster all the time
Strength and beauty destined to decay
So cut the rose in full bloom
'til the fearless come and the act is done
A love like blood, a love like blood

Everyday through all frustration and despair
Love and hate fight with burning hearts
'til legends live and man is god again
and self-preservation rules the day no more

We must dream of promised lands and fields
That never fade in season
As we move towards no end we learn to die
Red tears are shed on grey
'til the fearless come and the act is done
A love like blood, a love like blood

It's never going to be easy
the things we chase
always seem to belong to somebody else
everyone makes it look so simple to attain
as they cruise by in gilded cages of gold
and I remain in the alley with the one-trip ghosts
blade in my hand to deal with the enemy
laugh running down empty streets
crazy drunk or high beyond care
or just insane
because its the way to survive this bullshit

its taken all these days to find something worth keeping
and yet the blood trickles down my heart like an open wound
fists up, shadow boxing dont work so well against this army
fortifications round your heart
you arent ever going to give in
watch me die trying to scale your walls
and see you smile
knowing you wont ever have to pretend again
to anyone
except yourself

here comes the morning
another one I have to face in some way
and try to explain to myself
what the fuck I am doing this for
I have no idea, I never did
just play the part
like it will make any kind of difference
to any of us
in the end

I feel broken, disbanded, lying on the floor
of a chaotic explosion
brick dust and smoke fly away into the air above me
I am winded
but breathing
and I smile
I remember this...this is the weakness
this is when men cannot be men but fall
from tall heights as the world spins
and it all comes crashing down
this is ok.
to feel pain is ok.
pain means
I am still alive.
tomorrow I will get up
but for now
I am just going to lie here
right here
and watch the dust float about me
and laugh a little
or maybe cry
I havent decided yet

I felt it shift again tonight
that elusive truth
we grasp for always
through the moments as they slip by us
I try to sink into it now
try to hold one feeling in place
that might tell me
that the future will bring home
and it will feel like the place I belong
the place I can rest
and feel safe enough
not to chase rainbows
across darkening skies anymore
I love you
more truly than I have ever loved
and yet
and yet
it could slip away and be lost in the dust
trampled in the stampede of all that is to come
and if I try to hold onto it
I might die
and if I let it go
it may be lost for good this time
All I can do is watch
and quietly pray
that it grows strong enough
to make it through
I surrender to trust because, as ever
it is all I can do.

2am and it is like the good old days. wide awake and ready to take on the world.
except this time I am not high

I do miss it, so.

but tomorrow I will be glad

and tomorrow. what of tomorrow.

the current love of my life. and yes it is love. I dont know why or how it has happened but I recognise the signs.

she is a hooker.
how crazy is that
the universe does like to slap me about sometimes.

so I rock up to her place. a hotel where she has been working.
it is afternoon. late. the sun is shining and I am whistling a little ditty. possibly smash it up by the damned. as I stroll into the lobby and nod to the concierge who looks at me with a smile that tells me he thinks I am another punter.
I dont correct him because in a way he is right.

life is like that
it is all about deals and transactions
even love
we are all prostitutes.
no point kidding ourselves
just hustle like the rest of them
and try to steal some for yourself before your time is up.
I am a cat burglar and a damn good one.
you dont need me to explain the pussy pun there do you.

I knock on her door. she opens.
there is something electric about her
she has had three sessions today.
I pause for a moment
uncertain quite how I am going to react
wait. observe the self
ready for explosions that dont come.
I am pleased at my learnedness
and step in


we eat.
it is almost like family together at the table
roast chicken. some salad
love is there
I smile at her
she smiles at me
it is warm
glowing
beautiful
precious

I wonder when it will end and how.

it is only natural

fear.

always a fear.

I tell her.

she understands
but doesnt molly coddle.
she is tough
she has to be.
it has been tough for her too.
this life.
and that is what makes it beautiful.

I guess we are true people
we have true hearts
not broken into bitterness and hatred
not turned into games of control
of destruction
of ownership
of cowardice in the face of the pain.

she steps over to me
sits on my lap
her hair drops down over me and a breast teases me a hello from inside the dressing gown she is wearing.
I look at it.
soft and beautiful
somehow pure
I dont know how
I sigh
feel love in my heart grow with the intake of breath
does it matter that less than an hour ago another man lay on her, lay in her.
strangely
it doesnt.
and yet
my mind sometimes wants to scream
and if others knew, what would they say to my mind
to convince it to implode
I toy with these thoughts
and then feel it overwhelmed by desire for her
in the moment
this moment
it is all that matters
and I sink into that
without any fear at all
with absolute ease
because I belong there
in love and I have already made the decision
that it will be ok
because death will come before we even have time to think about the beautiful moments we forgot to take and wished we had when they came along

and we fell together into a truth that was between us, only us. and no one else
and that was when I understood it for what it is.