Monday, 13 April 2009

I saw my direction today for the first time in years.

I just spent 3 days at Vipassana meditating in silence. It started off tough. I was frustrated because I meditate a lot and thought I would be ahead of the game. I was way off. Took me the whole first day to get my mind quiet and focused on a single spot. One frustrating fight with the self. but I got there.

that night I slept more than 4 hours, first time in weeks. I needed it and sprang up at 4am, first in the hall, into the silence. I love it. like a duck to water. no talking just going in somewhere and waiting to see what shows up.

that was my next annoyance.

spent most of the day with either the uncannily clear image of my new boss in my head. (A South African arrogant son of a bitch whom right now I detest because he holds my balls in his hand and he is squeezing.) So that was ...nice
and then it was...HER....when he wasnt in there, she was. doing whatever it is she is doing right now with whoever she is doing it.
you know
you really need this stuff in your head, crystal clear, when you are trying to meditate.

So about half way through the day and we break for lunch and I have to go lie down because this whole 'getting away' thing seems to have backfired somewhat. Everyone I wanted to get away from is beautifully emblazoned in my mind in glorious motion technicolour, all the clearer because I am in silence and meditating. fuckin a! what to do.

then as I lie on my bed watching a spider eat a fly which seems strangely poetic at that moment. It dawns on me. There is something I am missing here. The reason I am not getting past all this.

I guess I wanted to sit and chill and stare at stars and peacocks and have a beautiful Zen experience. I should have known better. It was time to get right into my shit and face the music. so I did.

I spent the next half of the afternoon locked up in a 2x4 cell with no windows and no sound and no light. Its the place to be, let me tell you. Terror becomes some kind of freedom in there. Ever seen Midnight Express? You get right into the pain. I mean. RIGHT INTO THE CENTRE OF THAT MOTHERFIUCKING PAIN. and you sit there. squirming. in the prison or your body and into the prison of your own making. knowing it is you and yours alone and you created it and only you can get yourself out, but you cant. YOU CANT. you cunt. YOU CUNT.
you hate yourself. you hate everything. you want to die. DIE DIE DIE. just fucking please STOP IT ALL STOP. But the door is shut and there is no where to go. no where to run. this is it. and you know it. it is time to let go to it.
and so
after 4 hours
and very fucking sore everything
it stops.


it had to

and so



and right then I knew none of it really was that big a deal
none of it really ever had a hold on me
I just empowered it
for some reason
that would take too long to explain
and I breathed in
as the hurting stopped
and there it was
the way forward
for me
nothing changed
except maybe my outlook
the shit was the same, it wasnt going anywhere
it was going to be there and it was going to fuck with me as much if not more so
than it had been up til now.
but the single difference was
I now had a plan
I knew why it was there and of what use it was going to be to me.

so to my boss and to... HER.
bring it on
because in the end
you may well be the very thing that saves me

No comments: