Friday, 24 April 2009

Friday night in, the day knocked me out
work stripping energy from me, too much
this is not a good place to be, my eyes hurt, my heart tired
holding out against the feeling inside that this is so wrong
it's a time I recognise
time to change
time to free-fall into space
into the fear
into the void
all the voices of my fathers and teachers in my head
'dont be such a damn fool. you need stability, you need security'
but my heart is being crushed here
a death zone growing harder each day
starving the spirit
killing me softly

I cant stay in this
I just cant
I tried once before 7 years ago
and it did for me then
rewired my brain
in to the mistake
I cant do that to myself a second time
it has taken too much work to bring myself back
to try to learn from that time
when I should have moved, shifted, changed but didnt know how
it is that same feeling now
and I am afraid the same

I hear the quiet voice inside me tonight
I see the cliff face I have come to
another dead end.
I know it could be death down there
the end
down there on the rocks
but I have to believe
that so too it could be salvation
rising on the thermals that might catch me
blown by the gods
as I relinquish control
and they take me higher into the stratosphere
closer to the place I belong
to the paradise
I saw in dreams
so long ago

Its been a long journey
one I must have chosen even at the beginning
to be this way
forever facing darker depths
forever facing this moment alone
with the hounds of hell still upon my trail
and no one to share the solitary decision
the last goodbye
to leap or die
it is leap or die
If I stay in this
I will become like stone
and forever regret not being true
to that voice inside
that no one ever taught me how to trust in
but myself
how do you trust yourself?
and the energy I knew I had hidden there somewhere
if I could only let go
that made me run at the wall
and jump
in faith
that none of it ever really existed at all

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