Saturday, 4 April 2009

The beautiful lie

I guess I am ready for this. I guess it has come into my life right on time.

At my most solitary, at my most vulnerable, at my most weak. When there is no one around to turn to and take my mind off it, just walls and oceans and long emptiness. The movie plays and she is the star. I have nothing else to do but watch. Is this the story of my own end? The tragedy of whatever I thought Love could be.

I realise I haven’t really been hurt by a woman in many years. It is long overdue. I have left a lot of carnage behind me and in seeing how one has finally gotten to me, I understand that yes, I liked the control it gave me too. I was in balance while someone else needed me, floundered, a little piece of them dying in my hands. Truth is, that felt good. Manipulation, control. Unaware even, that I was doing it so well. Feeding off it. It elevated me and I flew. Energy I didn’t have was suddenly mine. Vampiric almost.

I’d hate myself for it if I could.

But then here I am, watching the girl who managed to finally open me up somehow, put a blade in the wound and turn it. The sweet smile, the words of love she spoke to me before she left still echo as I fall away. I still believe her, even as I watch myself bleeding to death from the wound she has created. How fucking stupid we humans are sometimes. ‘I love you’. How deadly those words are.

It is not her, I tell myself, she is better than this. When she is finished with these other lovers she will come back to me. But she wont. I already know this. Or rather , she will but she was never really there, it was just her need to have something to hold, to pretend in too.

The beautiful lie.

It was always only ever going to be a beautiful lie. We both wanted to believe it. This result was inevitable. I knew this even as I started. And still I let go. Still I opened up. And still the pain came. Letting go totally, I hoped it would free me, I trusted.

It didn’t work at all.

The cruel part, and this is what could drive me to put a slap on her to be honest, is that I get to read all this shit going on via the internet. Indirect love letters of some weird kind to whoever is in her life at that moment, whoever is her love in the minute. Jesus! I would SO do that too if I could, but I am not a hooker, not a woman.
I meet a person of the opposite sex who actually connects with me about once every 2 years at best. She meets someone every time she steps out the door.

And she goes there with them.

I guess there is an honesty in that. Wouldn’t all women do it if they could. Would not all men?

And that’s when it gets strange. Because I would and I know it. So how come I am currently dying like a lost and needy bitch at the hands of this she-devil? I have no idea. I wake to pain, I fall asleep to pain. Heart pain. That gutting sensation that even other people can see in me. Something has been drained from my energy. A Loss. A depletion. I am as good as dead right now. That is what happens when you say those three little words to someone and they then turn and give it away. GIVE IT AWAY. Like it was nothing. Like you are nothing more than another blip in the moment. And you thought you were so special. You needed to be so special. You needed someone else to make you that way. That is what sucks.

There was another girl once, years ago I got like this with. There was something about her. She held me in her hand and she killed me quick. I hated her for it. Looking back I was too childish to handle such power in a person. Now, I just know that I have to. Somehow find a way. To keep that destructive power she has over me at a distance, yet not turn on her. Not hurt her back. Not try to destroy her, or wish her wrong in anyway. There are so many lessons in all this. lessons I could not even dream to face back then. I have become strong, but I have to be stronger. all the while trying to keep that pain at bay and not let her do more damage. She is trying to, whether she knows it or not.

This is the crisis of us all in the world today. We love and someone hurts us when we do. The one we love is the one that will hurt us. The one we let go to. Is the one that will destroy us. If we are lucky they will hide this side from us. This control they know they have suddenly, that feeds them and gives them power that they accept and take and play with. It is down to their nature. And if they hide it, which most people do, then we will never need to know and we can pretend all is ok and all is well, but truth is. There is no love, not that way. It seems we don’t really love the one, we love the many. I never wanted to believe it, but how can I deny it now? How? It is a truth and it is staring me in the face. I just cant deal with it yet.

And this is the pain for me today, and so far, I have no answer, but I don’t want to live anymore in the beautiful lie.


Samantha said...

well darn - i love you in a blogger/bloggee way if that is of any help at all

i think you should feel gypped for any love inspired relationship that crashes before the 2 year mark

send the bad thoughts regarding your lady to me and i will think them for you

(samantha aka mad cat lady)

Mark Berry said...

aw thanks Samantha. Every little drop helps. you know. Love is a medicine too.

I just was surprised I fell, you know, you dont expect it after years of being immune and then whammo. some beatch gets you by the balls. shameless. I thought we left this stuff behind as teenagers.

no bad thoughts.

actually who am I kidding. just suppressed murderous evil ones. that involve killing something beautiful for fun. you dont want those.