Saturday, 14 March 2009

2am and it is like the good old days. wide awake and ready to take on the world.
except this time I am not high

I do miss it, so.

but tomorrow I will be glad

and tomorrow. what of tomorrow.

the current love of my life. and yes it is love. I dont know why or how it has happened but I recognise the signs.

she is a hooker.
how crazy is that
the universe does like to slap me about sometimes.

so I rock up to her place. a hotel where she has been working.
it is afternoon. late. the sun is shining and I am whistling a little ditty. possibly smash it up by the damned. as I stroll into the lobby and nod to the concierge who looks at me with a smile that tells me he thinks I am another punter.
I dont correct him because in a way he is right.

life is like that
it is all about deals and transactions
even love
we are all prostitutes.
no point kidding ourselves
just hustle like the rest of them
and try to steal some for yourself before your time is up.
I am a cat burglar and a damn good one.
you dont need me to explain the pussy pun there do you.

I knock on her door. she opens.
there is something electric about her
she has had three sessions today.
I pause for a moment
uncertain quite how I am going to react
wait. observe the self
ready for explosions that dont come.
I am pleased at my learnedness
and step in

we eat.
it is almost like family together at the table
roast chicken. some salad
love is there
I smile at her
she smiles at me
it is warm

I wonder when it will end and how.

it is only natural


always a fear.

I tell her.

she understands
but doesnt molly coddle.
she is tough
she has to be.
it has been tough for her too.
this life.
and that is what makes it beautiful.

I guess we are true people
we have true hearts
not broken into bitterness and hatred
not turned into games of control
of destruction
of ownership
of cowardice in the face of the pain.

she steps over to me
sits on my lap
her hair drops down over me and a breast teases me a hello from inside the dressing gown she is wearing.
I look at it.
soft and beautiful
somehow pure
I dont know how
I sigh
feel love in my heart grow with the intake of breath
does it matter that less than an hour ago another man lay on her, lay in her.
it doesnt.
and yet
my mind sometimes wants to scream
and if others knew, what would they say to my mind
to convince it to implode
I toy with these thoughts
and then feel it overwhelmed by desire for her
in the moment
this moment
it is all that matters
and I sink into that
without any fear at all
with absolute ease
because I belong there
in love and I have already made the decision
that it will be ok
because death will come before we even have time to think about the beautiful moments we forgot to take and wished we had when they came along

and we fell together into a truth that was between us, only us. and no one else
and that was when I understood it for what it is.

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