Thursday, 12 February 2009

Rain drips down from grey skies.
Sun gone, maybe it will return someday to warm the heart.
Back to life.
Rolling in the fried haze of a sleepless night again. So many.
Throw the legs out of the bed. That small child doesn’t want to go.
You must. Berry, you must. Be a man.
It’s the law. To work. To be this rat on the wheel.
Of life.
What a life. What a dream turned so real. I can feel it on my skin this morning.
Cutting to find me. In there. Alarm blaring. Cruel into the ears.
Must I do this again. Find the strength. Oh god. If only a woman was with me now.
To comfort. The heart in the grey.
And so it begins.
Another day. Wish it was the weekend so I could fry bacon. The smell of fresh percolating coffee. The smile of it. Almost a love. These little things touch so deep.
Meaning. None here. Must find it. Not in my shoes or holed socks as I walk to the bathroom pantless just for amusement.
Maybe a hint in the picture of sunny beach scenes that hangs on my wall to cover the blotches of badly painted magnolia in a bland rented room.
Something tries to ruin every hope in a man. And we fight it.
Step out to the rain.
The waves high and merciless out there. Some fools on the ocean trying to find a thrill
7am. Death is hunting already. Do they not know this.
Cross the road without incident. First proof that I might yet make it if I keep going.
And pay attention.
Sleep and toxins loiter in the bags under my eyes.
Harsh. I feel 52. I am not.
Stand at the bus stop. Don’t get too close to people, I want them to think I look good.
Safety in distance.
What is that?
Small puppy bounding along.
Jesus! I almost forgot that once I thought it was all quite wonderful too.
Smile inside for a brief moment but it is precious and wakes me to something I'd nearly lost. Pup tramples up to my feet and stops for a moment.
Looks up. I see the eyes dilate in puppy questions.
Me just big dog. Woof.
It moves on. Sniffing. Bouncing. The owners brought to life by their surrogate child.
One day they will say things like
‘ Don’t you wish he could have stayed that way’
And they will secretly wish to trade him in for another puppy
But they wont.
Duty and guilt.
And maybe a little bit of love.
But not today. Today puppy is full of the sun that hides behind the clouds,
the one we all wish wouldn’t.
Clouds that have come to taunt us, and test us.
All these years, all these millions of mornings
We awake again to the truth we don’t quite know what to do with.
Stepping closer each day to something.
Off he goes. Happy as a lambkin. Into the distance. All quite wonderful and in place.
Thankyou puppy for making me remember
How it should be and probably is.

1 comment:

YourFireAnt said...

"Stepping closer each day to something..." Stepping closer each day in something?