Take all your hopes and dreams to a casino. And throw them on the rocks.
That is what I do.
Stand watching a fish swimming round in endless circles.
Dropping chips like lucky charms on the low dozen. turns dirty. 21 times.
It should have come in by now.
I swear it has bounced out of the 4 and 12 like some magnetic propulsion is at work behind the scenes.
Couple of chinese men looking shifty.
I buy a beer and try to remind myself why I came.
Stand outside, smoking, looking out over the harbour.
Glass partition. High. To stop me throwing myself off.
Just in case.
'Chicago' starlights glitter.
And that fish just keeps swimming round and round.
Am I happy? I lost my shirt. I knew I would.
took me two and a half hours.
I've had worse days.
Put it all on 12,8 and 5.
Just in case.
Finally it came in.
I retire to the Losers Lounge for buffet. Via one more beer that I recieve.
I see my reflection, worn out playboy's eyes.
I, the fish, keep swimming round and round.
Looking for food, shelter, love.
I am done here. Spent. Yes.
There is some satisfaction in that.
Being a loser? Of course it hurts some,
but then being a winner is such a hard position to maintain.
No one does. Not really.
Dont believe the hype.
We all go up, to come down eventually.
See faces I have seen here all night. A little drunk now.
Smile at 'Star City Hostess'
Her legs a little more cellulite than I might have expected. But pretty.
Our conversation wont last.
I think about sex. Had I been a winner. 12, 8, 5.
I would be buffing the ass of a fit young hooker, and ordering cocaine instead of writing this.
It has been known.
On those extra special nights when the fish stop swimming, and your number comes in.
They dont last long but they do happen.
Then. We live like kings and every song is our tune, and every spank of that peachy, paid for, piece of ass echoes through the chambers of penthouse suites and high roller's minds.
In that brief moment.
Hopes and dreams thrown at rocks become diamonds
and we can say for a moment back there,
we really lived it well.