Saturday, 31 January 2009

I step out from my front door.
been here 6 months now and still it hits me
the ocean blue, the clear skies, the warm air... beautiful.

I made it.

So they keep telling me back home, not understanding just what it feels like to sacrifice everything, and I mean, everything for a shot at paradise.
I'd do it. They always knew if anyone would, I would. I like to try to live up to peoples expectations sometimes. Let them live my lie, or is it the other way round.

I ran and leapt from the bridge. flying for a moment, until I start to fall. Icarus you crazy bastard. My Grandad said to me on his death bed, we die a thousand times before it ends.
This was one of my deaths I guess. Shedding a skin.
Escaped the grey concrete, the city anger cooking in it's own voilent retarded insanity. Hooks deep into me. Escaped the drugs, the fools, the crazy highs twisting minds closer towards schizophrenic ends. Escape the place I knew I never really belonged, and yet, and yet...

'You lucky bastard, you made it'
they say to me. The line crackles.
'Sure baby' I say, 'I am a winner'
and I leave it at that. Like Lucky Luke not wanting to let them down, not wanting them to see the cracks, the fear, the intense nights so solitary staring at the oceans of paradise wondering what the fuck I am doing there. Nothing coming. nothing working out. Nothing but me. here. somewhere I dont even know. Lost. Am I lost. What am I. Who the hell is this person I am.

Creeping slowly desperate and destitute in the dark on through sipped whisky and clinging to self-control you arent even sure exists. Just pretend. Keep pretending.
hanging on
for something
not death, fuck death
not madness, fuck madness
but waiting for something
maybe someone
yea maybe company
to stroke my skin, to whisper in my ear,
to bring soft female delight to pass the time
in paradise.

Then finally, she comes, like divine light through the empty neon lit streets, and through time to my door.
she knocks.
'I would have waited forever for you', I say
'I know' she says a look teasing in her eye.
She steps to me.
I feel her enter in.
I am in paradise
yea, I made it, sacrificed everything and I made it.
I got my story now.
I kiss the night and fall into the oceans and into her arms
I am soul
come alive through the eye of death
and sacrifice