Monday, 14 July 2008

3am pass out

The time seems to have been racing of late,
And I am at the end of another night again
Where I find 2am sees me just warming up, but alone.
Wandering home, grab a cab.
Try to talk
To the stranger
That makes no sense to me, and I sure don’t make sense.
Various different toxins working in me
None of which
Seem now to bring me any kind of peace.
Just a hunger
Insatiable hunger

I have tried so many ways to appease this
And it is clear the more I try, the deeper and more demanding it becomes.
Maybe a smoke will cure it. I smoke. But it doesn’t.
Maybe more booze will cure it.
It doesn’t
More drugs, more sex, more food, more fucking ANYTHING!
So long as it is bad for me,
it works for a while.
Then the vacuum returns.
Bigger and meaner.
It is right in here.
Right now,
I can feel it.

A hollowness
The hunger.
For what? I don’t know
Sometimes I think it is maybe just life longing to die.
I don’t wish to be morbid
Just ask the question
What is this?
That is never cured in me
and aches, so much, just to be at peace.
This night
At 2.30am
As I sit and type
Into the moment
Alive, really as alive as it gets.
You don’t get more alive than this!
I know,
I have lived.
And time speeds up some more
Reminding me
I have no time.

5 comments:

Prixie said...

yes, it is hard to find that inner quiet. this lifestyle, this rat race, does not allow for that, just quick fixes. it is a process not of dying, but of living happy.

Mark Berry said...

this life will last you , at most, 100 years. Eternity is a big place. I find myself more and more thinking of the bigger picture to find happiness in the here and now. I dont think there is any other way. The more of life you see, the more gutting ripping episodes you have to deal with. It doesnt get easier, your friends and family slowly leave earth and your body falls apart, until it is just you left staring at the walls. immobile. waiting.

people are very afraid of this so the get desperate to be happy.

yea, sure, life should be happy, but you are carrying 200 pounds of pressure on your shoulders, literally. how long you gonna hold that up with a smile, really?

nah, for me life is about suffering, but getting something right, so you dont come back here again and again and again. This IS hell. You can't tell me there is someplace worse than this. this IS the place.

I stole as much happiness as I could out of life. My life has been a long party. Now, I think it is more important to open my eyes and mind to the truth because otherwise we just get stuck in a circle without answers, but with a lot of pain and small amount of happiness in exchange.

oooh, dont get me started Prixie! haha!

Prixie said...

:) you got started

Mark Berry said...

i'll try to keep it short and sweet in future

Prixie said...

nah...you shouldn't