Tuesday, 19 February 2008

I didnt forget you

I have been away a long while.
travelling. seeing the world.
spending every last cent
until I was left with nothing.
like burning in some kind of celestial fire
letting everything go
reminding the gods I am here and I am willing to go the distance.

I have been on the other side
trying to make sense of the things we are afraid to face
things we all try to avoid
ultimate things
not good things, painful things
scary things
the fears.

I stood today naked in front of the mirror and took a good look at myself.
I felt I had neglected myself to some degree, not my body,
I mean deeper, on a deeper level.
I stood there, staring into my own eyes, something I guess we all have done
wondering just what is looking back.
and then I said three simple words -
'I love you'
It felt awkward at first, like narcissism
but then it clicked and I understood;
'I love you' was my way of saying thanks to myself,
and maybe a little apology too, for making it so hard when I dont think it really needed to be.

I think it is time I stopped travelling now.
just let the calm descend again.
I travelled many thousands of miles,
alone, sleeping in deserts, woods, far away places amongst nature and the stars
and other times alone on the streets of unfamiliar cities with the hounds of hell growling at me from the shadows.
I did these things.
I have been down to the bottom and seen what is there.
You cannot win in that place.
but somehow you have to come to terms with the fear without it stealing your soul.
They say I am tough, say I am one of the toughest
but I know the fragility of human life
is not something you can ever trust, or hope to save.

I stood there before the mirror.
The person looking back at me was stranger than I could ever hope to really know.
it was ancient and that scared me
the fact I was aware of it.
I suddenly felt incredibly weird and alone.

but then I saw something,
caught a glimmer of it for a moment deep in the eyes, something I had nearly lost, like the sudden silver flash of a fish in dark waters.
and it made me smile.
It was beauty.
maybe I wasnt such a mean son of a bitch after all.
I hadn't forgotten love,
I guess I had just hidden her deep, deep down,
kept her safe
in my soul
in my heart
where she belongs.

when I find that calm
I will let her shine again
and you can come to me
no longer afraid
and I will embrace you
and kiss your forehead
and the thing you fear most, afraid even to mention
will be brought safely home.
I will be the one to tell you
that everything is going to be ok.

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