Tuesday, 27 May 2008

On the first day of dying..

Oh my god! old age is for real. I don’t know whether to fight it or just acquiesce. What do you do? you wont believe it when it starts to hit you. Its just a dull ache in the wrist and feet. A slight sense of difficulty getting out of bed, something, something in everything. It’s there I can feel it. I am sensitive. It’s just a hint, a whisper of it. but I seen it, felt it. Its not a death, it's just a door that shut while I was asleep last night and now I cant open it. In fact there is no door anymore just a wall. Like someone came in an pasted over it when I wasn’t looking. Like there never was a door. And its one less room I got in my house. One less place I can visit. but I remember there was a door there I am sure.

The sun is setting on a day that did something strange to me but I have no idea what. Beautiful red cloud summer skies, London. The overground train heading home. Harrow. more hell tomorrow but I am not scared only scarred. Youth gone and going. I did it well but not well enough to get to keep it. Got to learn now to adjust to this new way. It’s tough, tough and hard for me. don’t sink too deep that you get lost. Don’t give in so much that you stop. But don’t pretend you still are what you once were. Got to evolve. or maybe devolve. Now more than ever I need to find grace and elegance, panache and sophistication. Don’t let me replace my youth with pigeon eyes, regret and desperation. But don’t let me give up the light, the life, the lust. Oh! the lust. That’s what I will miss the most. My goddess; Lust. Too long calm and peaceful. This degeneration that has hit me today, needs her cure more than ever. Her touch could salve all my fears. Lady Lust. Let me pray to her now. A quiet personal prayer. come save me. come save me please. Don’t leave me to die here on the battlefield of my life. amongst shot and bloody memories. SEND A FUCKING AMBULANCE! I’m alive for christs sake! I am a celebrity get me out of here.

I can feel it in my veins. old age. Don’t believe them, it isn’t natural at all. It’s murder. Life is trying to murder me. Slow poison killing my life force. I feel it. sensitive enough still. blacking me out. trying to. I cant win. like an old git in a nursing home, they are upping the dose but the old bastard lives on. still eventually they’ll get him and have his bed, his air, his space. BASTARDS! life itself turns against you, the air, your blood, something , the spirits. Its that time. Its your time too. read and learn. You are allowed no more than this. You get to where I am. ready for immortality, wise enough that you almost know everything and that’s when it starts to fade out on you, something pulls the plug. They fucking got me. Bastards!

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