Saturday, 23 June 2007
Licking honey from the razor's edge
We were drinking in a bar in Barcelona, I wasnt drunk but pretty close. I dont recall the month nor the year but the sun was shining, though I do remember we had jumpers on so it must have been somewhat chilly. I'd just paid for the entire holiday in two goes on the roulette in a casino down near the beach. I was a winner in those days, I could have kissed the devil and not gotten burned, or so it felt like anyhoo. I was knocking back a whisky or two and trying to pull myself back down by the feet. You had to go a little insane to lay down 2 grand on a table and wait for a small ivory ball to destroy your life, or open the pearly gates. That moment is something hard to describe, but the sound of it's tinkle click gets etched into you deeper than any therapy will ever reach. It's pure madness. It is the doorway to life or death. Still, I won, as I often did in those days. I think the S.A.S. have a saying for it, as does Del-boy Trotter.
'Fuuuuuck!' I breathed, and sat waiting for my poor little heart to stop doing drum and bass.
'I can't believe you.' She said, giving my arm a squeeze and a hug.
'I'm a winner baby, what can I say.'
I was in the saddle like a fucking prince. God's smile was on my face. Nothing could have toppled me. I was a returning crusader, I was a king, I was the saviour of the human race, I was a playboy maaaann, a fucking playboy you better believe. The world was mine. Still, I knew it could have gone either way, I was a realist too.
Adrenalin is a funny thing, it's the original drug, the first high man ever felt was while escaping a dinosaur, or maybe a marauding pack of Neanderthals, who knows. It was ancient to feel this way. I wondered how many of my ancestors had felt this kind of rush. I figured a few of the early ones, but the rest? They probably avoided it like the plague. I was caveman. We were back, baby!
I had more cash than I knew what to do with. I looked at her. It got me to wondering. We were in a strange city, we were on a high like never before. We were winners. We were getting drunk. What next? Hmmm. I thought of going back to the hotel and fucking her lovely little tits off, but tonight I wanted to max out that streak of luck. I wanted to play.
'Hey honey' I said. She was in my hand today I could feel it. I had wowed her out.
'Yea' she said.
'You know we talked that time about threesomes and stuff.' I said
'Yea?' she said wondering where I was going, but she was hot for me, today was a good day to push the boundaries, and I was the devil in Barcelona.
'Well, feel free to say no, but how do you fancy trying it. We are in a city we dont know and no one knows us. This could be the place to give that fantasy a go.' I said.
She was silent for a while. Then she got a bit coy, hugged into my arm again, and hid her face. When she looked back up I could see excitement in her eyes, just a little, there was a trace of fear there too.
Only natural, I thought.
'I dont know, how you going to find someone willing for a start?' she asked.
'Leave the details to me honey.' I said, and sucked on the cigar I had bought. I was onto port now, I dipped the end into the glass, let it drip there a moment, then toked that motherfucker back. Hmmm. The devil was in Barcelona and he was ready to ride.
If you dont say 'no' to the devil he takes it as a yes. Ladies, take note. So I took us out of the bar and stood blinking in the afternoon light. I was still sober, I guess the adrenalin hadnt finished with me yet. That cigar hung in my mouth and a smile sat behind it on my face. I felt pretty damn good, and if I played it right things were about to get better. I dont recall quite how I found out, but I guess we attract things to us when we are flying high. Either way I ended up with an address in a part of town not far from where we were, and we started heading that way. Through back alleys and past building sites, houses with people doing normal things, people living normal lives, watching TV, sleeping, working. Thinking about sex, sure, most of them were, but you could be sure hardly any of them were doing it. Then, after a little confusion as to exactly where the entrance was to this address, we climbed some concrete stairs, knocked on a door that seemed like completely the wrong place to be, but it opened and we were let in to a plain square room by a woman. I assumed it was the right place.
'Hola' I said.
'Anglais?' she said
'Exactamundo,' I replied.
She looked a little quizzically at the girl on my arm.
'She's with me, I am here for some fucky-fucky.' I said, but I guess that much was obvious.
She didnt seem put out, I had half expected her to throw us out, which was why I was acting kind of stupid.
She said something that I think meant that it was for men only.
'Can I see the girls?' I said
I knew we were hot stuff today, and I figured if the girls saw us maybe they might sway the bargain in my favour. I also didnt want to waste any more time in the place than I had too if they had rotten meat for sale.
She ushered us into the next room and along one wall there was a bench. They gave me a beer. As I drank it I started to feel the outskirts of drunk and eased back. Beer was not the way forward today. A few girls came in. Nothing special but ok. Then a dark haired woman of about 25 came in with a true Spanish look about her and a sparkle in the eye that I liked. She did a double take when she saw the girl with me. Then smiled at me, she knew something was up. Yea, I liked her. She sat with me and started to chat, her English was pretty good. I dont recall her name.
'We want a girl for both of us,' I said.
'We dont really do that,' she said.
I found that odd. I had come across the same thing in Amsterdam, women would do anything with a man but nothing with a woman. I guess it was harder to make it safe. Amsterdam was professional. Spain was a bit wilder, but it seemed clean enough to me, I am not sure why I thought that.
'Well, I am ok with it, but I need to check with the lady.' She said, motioning towards the woman who had let us in. She went over and talked for a while discussing the business. The lady seemed not to be bothered, maybe they were discussing prices, or the law, or something. As they spoke another girl came in, and then another. The place was rife with prostitutes, if a smile could break your face from getting too large mine would have have shattered. I was in the snake enclosure. Unbe-fuckin-lievable!
She came back and sat down next to me. She was smiling, and I thought I detected some hot excitement smouldering in those eyes. I wondered what kind of monsters she had been fucking all day.
'She says it is ok, but will cost extra for both' she said.
'How much?' I asked
She named a price, but I would have paid anything then.
'So,' I said. 'How about we double that, and she comes too.' I said pointing to the girl sat over the way looking at me. She was well built, good looking, and to my mind probably liked a good fight. Girls like that made me hot. She was also blond. I now had a raven, a blond, and a brunette. I felt the colour scheme was correct for some sex magick. I lit a smoke as I waited for the raven haired girl to check out how blondy felt about it.
She came back,
'She said she will do it.'
I looked over at her, she was making eye contact with my girl. I looked at them both, they were checking each other out like a pair of cats. I liked this.
I considered asking for a red head too, but thought it might all get a bit confusing if there were too many felines in the scrum.
'She has to attend to someone first, so it will be about 45 minutes'
'45 minutes is fine' I said. And she got up and spoke to the main lady again. They started working out a final price.
Now, all this time I had been distracted by the whole shenanigans and newness of this crazy behaviour I was getting involved in, I hadnt paid much attention to the girl with me. I looked at her, and smiled. She had such a light in her eyes, I fancied a lotus flower inside her was opening up. For a brief moment a guilt crossed my heart, no, it wasnt guilt so much as it mattered to me that this only happened if she wanted it to. The last thing I needed was her to look back on this day thinking I forced the whole situation, even if I did.
'You ok?' I said
'I am scared,' she admitted.
'Look honey, we have 45 minutes, if you dont want to do this just tell me and we are walking out of here and not looking back. I dont need this, I dont even really know why I am doing this, I guess it is just the chance to open a door and step through, it seems to have come together almost by itself. Take it only as far as you want go. This is about you, not about me. Think about that.' I smiled again at her to tell her that I meant it, I did. If she had showed any signs of discomfort I would have left. She showed none. She was as excited as me.
What a cool chick, I thought.
And I concluded then, that probably every woman in the world wanted to know what it was like to push the boundaries, the trouble was they just never found somewhere safe to do it, or someone safe to do it with. By luck, or my nature, or maybe my insanity, I had just made it so.
Jesus, maybe I was the devil.
How cool, I thought, and my red pointed tail flicked a little under my chair.
There was another problem I was aware of; I was feeling so fucking horny that I was on the point of going off in my trousers if one of those women so much as breathed on me. I thought about this for a moment then a solution presented itself.
'Honey,' I said.
'I need to shoot one off before we go in for the big fight,' I said.
'What?' She looked at me quizzically. Maybe I hadnt made myself clear.
'I need to come once, else I am going to come too quick when we go in.' I laid it out in the Queen's English, if she had only known I was using it this way I would probably have been shot for treason.
She looked at me.
I looked at her.
I dont remember how it came about, but it was decided I would take another girl into a room, and get myself in shape for the big match. She was fine with this. I guess it was the setting, kind of like seeing so much candy in a shop that one wouldn't imagine a small sweet is going to do much harm.
I picked a tall thing, she looked great, but when we got in the room I found her tired and disinterested. Funny what cash does. I was glad she wasnt the main dish of the day. I didnt feel cruel, I didnt feel cold. I had visited many whores in my time, I wasnt ashamed of this fact. I felt I understood it, there were occasions I might have said that to see a prostitute was wrong, but I also felt there were right ones too. This was one of them. The world needed to evolve and open it's eyes to what was going on within it's dark and repressed soul, and that wasn't my problem. I understood this place, and it wasnt so bad, but this is something one could argue for eternity, I was in there and I was doing it. It didnt take me long and I was back out. My girl smiled at me as I walked back into the room, I was glad of that. I had wondered if she might have flipped while I was gone and realised what was going on. It was only really then that I knew she was ok to go ahead, up until then I wasnt sure if she was just doing it all for me.
Heaven was but moments away. Every mans dream, so they say, I guess to some extent it is. 3 women all willing to get naked and do whatever you request of them. There is only one thing to do in such a situation; Jeeves, release the hounds, we're going to Hell.
Pretty soon the girls were ready, and we were lead to a room near the front entrance, the door was opened and we entered in to a moment that most people only get to imagine in their rudest fantasies. The room had a jacuzzi that was full and bubbling, there were beds, and mirrors on all the walls. It was made to measure, clean, clinical, white, bright, every surface plastic so it could be washed down easily. This was the penthouse suite of spunk. The raven checked the water. I began to strip. My girl stood there looking at me, she was timid, excited, afraid, rushing on adrenalin. The blond knew what to do; she moved to her and gently began to kiss her open mouth. I stood there with my pants half down, frozen watching. Knowing this was the moment a woman experienced feminine pleasure for the first time in her life, this was innocence being lost, the virgin being lead into knowledge, sacrifice upon the altar, this was holy, divine, magical, letting go of the soul and falling into pleasures of the flesh. I felt a shiver of thrill run through me, god, I loved this, I lived for moments like it. Inexplicable.
I removed the rest of my clothes and went in for the raven. She held me off a moment and made me step over into the jacuzzi, there was room enough for 4. The blond brought my girlfriend over, and we all sat in there smiling at each other. There wasnt nervousness, there was something else present. It was a question of sorts, lingering there, it seemed funny. I realised then, that this wasnt really any kind of fantasy, this was real. This was what fantasy led you towards only to discover it was kind of awkward, bodies were awkward, sex was awkward, it was all too real. You had to move and manoeuvre, and you might slip a bit, or maybe crack a knee against a bone, or poke a finger a little too hard into a place it wasnt used to being. There was just so much realness to it that you wanted to be high, so high that your spirits might find escape from the fleshy awkward bodies that held them captive. That was the dream, the true fantasy, and I the knew it actually didnt exist in this place at all. Even so, it was pretty fucking top notch, and I was excited as hell. I think the raven was too, the blond on the other hand was clearly more interested in my girl than me, and to some extent I was glad. I wanted her to have the experience of a female. She seemed to be enjoying it, so I stopped thinking about the whole setting and got down to play.
We rolled about the jacuzzi splishing, splashing, snogging and fingering, and at some point rolled out of it. I bent the raven over the edge of the plastic sex tub. I worked slowly. Fighting to hold back the moment, le petit mort. I used every trick in the book and it was hard, most especially when you are going doggy on a hot black-haired prostitute, while your girl is sat an arm stretch in front of you being brought to heightened pleasure by an equally fit and feisty blond. It is something to savour. Like a good turtle egg desert maybe, or being fired into space.
In the end I came like a gunner; I squinted and writhed and gurned and yelped and howled and pushed it in as deep as it would go, and screamed Hallelujah! Jeeves had released the hounds, and we were in hell, fucking. I flopped down on the bed that was behind me and lay there looking at the girls go at it. The raven had moved to me, but I had motioned her to join the others. I wanted to watch.
I felt satisfied I guess, I had made some kind of grade, but like I said, great as it was, it was not the fantasy you imagine it to be at all. It was all too real. There was no enlightenment, no love, no heavenly experience, no paradise, no spiritual release, no sex magick entwining spirits in a holy divinity. There was something amazing about it, something special, but I knew that the thing we really thought we sought in this menage a quartre, was not to be found here at all. Maybe it wasnt even in sex. I wondered this, as I watched those harpies slay my girl on the jacuzzi sex altar. They did a good job. When it was over the girls looked like they were ready to leave, but I wanted my money's worth and insisted on taking the blond. She didnt seem too happy about it, I dont think she much liked men, and I couldnt blame her one bit. Selfish sex driven idiots the lot of us. Even so, she lay down dutifully, and I spent the next 5 minutes working on her. I came, I am pretty sure she didnt. And then it was all over.
I've had my moments in life, and that was one of them. It was perfect, it fell into place and we rolled with it. The mistake I made was thinking it could be repeated. Such things never can and shouldnt be. They are singular moments that happen through a mix of personal preparedness and opportunity. You find yourself somewhere unexpected, you are on a roll, you go with it. The thing you have to do, and the thing that is hardest to do, is then let it go again. We intuit this, and that is why most people avoid such situations, fear them and maybe they are right to. Those who enter into the gates often dont come back. I gave up roulette when I finally got burned, I gave up looking for sexual liaisons of that sort too for much the same reason. I wasnt a wise man, I just wanted my innocence back, being the devil isnt any great thing, but I guess those who wish it, have to find that out in their own way.
'To taste the full spread of the joys of samsara, such as wealth and other pleasures, is like tasting poisoned food, licking honey from a razors edge; in short it is the jewel on the head of a rattlesnake; one touch and you are annihilated.' - Shabkar