These are the things I can't share
but often wish I could
somehow let you see them,
let you in.
Like a secret I once gazed upon
in a place far away
if only you could have been there
to witness it too.
I wish you had
It was glorious, it was magical, it was..
out of this world.
These are the things I can not share
but often wish I could
somehow let you see them
and you would know too.

White birds

What will happen to this memory
when I am gone
Where will this exquisite taste be
the one that lingers now
as I recall
watching from the train window
into the high blue sky
summer afternoon, 10,000 miles away from
the land I was born and all I have ever known
watching the white birds in the distance
rising into thermals
so Graceful, so peaceful
magic there, like an arrow it pierced me
and I was so alive in it
that a tear broke free and dropped down my cheek
and my heart ached with a joy
beautiful and painful to experience
I could not really grasp it
though it completely overwhelmed me
but I knew, that was just how it was here
and I wondered alone as the train began to roll
and the birds reached the apex and glidered away,
I wondered, what will happen to this memory when I am gone
where will this exquisite taste be

He's more elusive than the scarlet pimpernel

I dont think I am back here yet. I just started bumping into people who write. You have to listen to these things.

Sweet dreams that play around my head
I found my church by the ocean
restored a feeling lost to childhood english summers
a happy smile, a warm embrace of life.
I'll always miss you and the times we used to share
there will be no forgetting the blood on my hands
broken hearts, broken homes, broken lives, broken spirits
of grey pavement streets and running violence through the night.
but on the breathe I sank inside
on the hunt for redemption
sacrifice it all, at any cost to reach that place.
I'll always miss you, there will be no forgetting
but I made it, and in this sweet dream that envelops me,
I died, but when I woke, it was to something beautiful.

fuckadoodleday it's been 3 months

since my last post.

been locked in an orgasm actually
discovered tantra, like proper cool.

'nuff said, regular programs will commence shortly :)

'If you could do anything in the world right now, what would you do?' she asked.

I thought a while.

'I would fuck my way into heaven' I finally replied.

'You're really quite strange' she said with a laugh.

'Am I?' I replied. It wasnt the first time I had heard it said. I never really quite understood what it meant. Surely everything was strange until we got used to it.

'You're not happy, are you?' she said.

'Are you?' I asked.

'Yea, most of the time. Life is what you make it' was her reply.

'I guess I still dont know what to make of it' I said.

'Oh god, you can be so miserable sometimes!' and she gently slapped my arm.

'I find it hard to ignore the injustices' I said , maybe a little defensively.
'I want to believe in happiness and beauty and heaven more than anything but...'

I didnt know how to finish my point, so I didnt.

We sat quietly for a while. She thought about dresses and social occasions. I wondered about why I always took conversations down dead end streets. I never seemed to learn from my mistakes. Like a broken record. I suddenly felt weak, petty and embarrased. I felt myself blush with a sense of self-loathing. I didnt know how it was I had become this way, not when, not why. I was stranded on a desert island with only mirages for company. I wanted to say something funny, something hilarious. I wanted to lighten the mood, bring joy, jump and dance and clap and sing.

We sat there. A chasm between us. It was up to me to cross but I didnt know how. It struck me that I might never find someone I had everything in common with, the thought of being alone forever was suddenly terrifying. The walls were closing in. I had the sudden urge to make a dash for the door and start running.

She looked at me. The silence was dragging on a little too long. I could think of nothing to fill it. I noticed her take a subtle look at her watch. People required constant entertainment. You could not just sit in silence with a person like we could with animals. I wondered why it was like that.

'I think there is a good film on at 9' she said.

The TV was designed for just such moments. To help you avoid life or to save a bored relationship. I didnt tell her this. I just grunted an affirmation.

'What is with you?' she half laughed.

'I just want to fuck my way into heaven' I repeated after a moment.

I noticed a little glint flicker in her eye. It aroused me. I liked that.
I put my hand gently against her neck and stroked it down over her right breast. When I reached the nippled I crossed it slowly. I held her gaze all the while.

'I'd do anything to set us free' I said and I truly meant it.
'It's not so bad' she said as if wishing me to feel how good she felt. But I knew how it ended. I could read fortunes, it had always been a curse. In the end you lose. The last thing you feel will not be pleasure, but fear mixed with pain. I could never shut that out, much as I tried.

I continued to caress her. We warmed to the body chemistry. This we had in common. It was love in the moment. Wholesome and genuine love and there was some kind of salvation in that.

I felt an erection start to build lazily and shifted in my chair.

'So, are you going to fuck me into heaven or what?' she asked, moving her face closer to mine.

I gave it my best shot and maybe we even reached it for a while. We stayed together nearly two years. She had an affair with a journalist and I left. I'd call her up sometimes just to chat but she didnt want to know me anymore. That hurt more than the affair. He'd even tried to pick a fight with me in a bar sometime later. I was about to punch him in the throat but thought better of it. The desire to kill him right where he stood was so powerful it scared me. Instead I just turned and walked out.

3am pass out

The time seems to have been racing of late,
And I am at the end of another night again
Where I find 2am sees me just warming up, but alone.
Wandering home, grab a cab.
Try to talk
To the stranger
That makes no sense to me, and I sure don’t make sense.
Various different toxins working in me
None of which
Seem now to bring me any kind of peace.
Just a hunger
Insatiable hunger

I have tried so many ways to appease this
And it is clear the more I try, the deeper and more demanding it becomes.
Maybe a smoke will cure it. I smoke. But it doesn’t.
Maybe more booze will cure it.
It doesn’t
More drugs, more sex, more food, more fucking ANYTHING!
So long as it is bad for me,
it works for a while.
Then the vacuum returns.
Bigger and meaner.
It is right in here.
Right now,
I can feel it.

A hollowness
The hunger.
For what? I don’t know
Sometimes I think it is maybe just life longing to die.
I don’t wish to be morbid
Just ask the question
What is this?
That is never cured in me
and aches, so much, just to be at peace.
This night
At 2.30am
As I sit and type
Into the moment
Alive, really as alive as it gets.
You don’t get more alive than this!
I know,
I have lived.
And time speeds up some more
Reminding me
I have no time.